THE IN-LAWS ARE COMING, THE IN-LAWS ARE COMING.....
That's right, folks! Within the next 3 weeks I will get to see all of my in-laws. I never look forward to this. Not because I don't like them, because I do. I think I have a better than average relationship with all of my in-laws. So why am I not looking forward to this? Because My Better Half will be nuts trying to make sure everything is perfect.
BH (Better Half) has some serious self esteem issues. I am not saying this to be flip. I say it because it is true. She never feels that she measures up to her parents expectations. It mostly stems from when her parents got divorced. She was 14, and going many issues that every teenage girl goes through. Her dad ended up having an affair with the woman he is now married to. Her mother moved her back to Ohio, and then married a professor in Holland and moved her there. Of course being from another country, she never really fit in in Holland.
****
I really need to step back a moment and talk just about BH a little bit. It is hard to describe my feelings for her. After all how do you describe someone who means more to you than the world itself. Someone you would gladly die for. Someone who you want to be with forever. She is so much more than I ever thought I would have.
Don't get me wrong, I know she has faults. Her need to be accepted by her parents, and feeling of inadequacy are among her worst. For this I blame her Mother, and will explain it farther down.
****
BH's dad and stepmom will be here Wednesday. This is there annual trip out to visit us. To be honest, I find them to be genuine and fun to be around. They are good conversationalists, and don't mind pitching in around the house while they are here. They actually got mad at me on one visit because I kept asking if there was anything they needed. "You don't have to wait on us, we know where it is if we want it." They normally pay when we go out to eat, because, in their words, they can. While they are not rich, they are very comfortable and can spend somewhat freely.
The drawback to them coming is that BH never is at ease around them. She still has the feeling that no matter what she does, it won't be good enough for them. She is constantly comparing herself to her stepmom's kids. One married a doctor, and is working on a masters in teaching, one is bio-chemist who got a grand to study bats in Colorado, and is also going for a doctorate in biology. My wife doesn't think she measures up.
I know most of the feeling come from the divorce. She feels that her dad chose them over her. I don't really think it was that way though, and I know for sure that it is not that way now. I have bean able to piece together the events surrounding the divorce, and have pretty good idea that that was not the case. I really think BH's mom kind of drove him to the affair, and then moved out of state to keep BH away from her dad. Knowing enough about her little power plays makes it seem very likely.
Of course, living in Europe, she did not get a chance to see her dad that much, so all she got was her mom's side of the story. Her dad had an affair, that was it...Period...End of story!!! She never told BH that she, from the time they got married, constantly accused him of having an affair until, after 18 years of it, he decided to have one. She never mentioned that she tried to keep him from having any friends so that his entire life revolved around her.
Now to be fair, he did have an affair, and that was wrong. It is something would never do. If wanted someone else he should have ended it, then started dating.
But to spite all of that, I know he loves BH very much. He just doesn't always know how to show it. This last winter he came out to visit us for he 65th birthday. When we took him to the airport, had started crying as he left to get on the plane. BH didn't see it, but it he was.
****
BH's mom is a different story. I will preface this with the fact that I like her. In many ways she is a good person. She will take in any sick or wound cat or dog she sees, and make sure it has a good home. She treats La Nina like a grandma should, constantly spoiling her. She has helped us out in a lot of ways.
There are many things I don't like about her, though.
1) She makes BH feel guilty about having any contact with her dad.
2) She expects to be waited on when she visits.
3) According to her, she taught La Nina everything she knows.
4) If you don't agree with her on a topic, you are just being rude.
5) She knows how everything better than everyone else. Just ask her.
Now, that being said, I know that a lot of this stems from a low self esteem just like BH. She had a very hard childhood, growing up in abject poverty. And for the most part she has done well for herself.
She is a very talented artist, but has to ride everyone else art down. To give an illustration of this, a good friend of mine once gave me a painting for Christmas that he had painted himself. It was a scene of a cowboy riding through the desert. While it may not have been worthy of and art gallery, I liked it. I had it hanging over my couch before BH and I got married. BH's mom saw it and could say nothing good about it. She couldn't believe that someone would give someone a painting that bad, and proceeded to tell him what he had done wrong.
She just has never learned that not everyone wants her opinion.
I do almost all of the cooking in my house. I'm just better at it than BH. She doesn't like doing it, and has no patience for it. I grew up with the attitude that if someone else cooks for you, you smile say thank you, and appreciate the fact that someone else went to the effort. BH's mom is constantly telling me what to do to make my cooking more like hers. I guess my five years as a cook in restaurants meant nothing.
I know it probably sounds like I don't like her, but I do. For all of her faults, she is still, for the most part, good to BH and myself. She has done a lot for us, and asked for little in return.
****
So I know the next few weeks will be frustrating. BH will feel like she doesn't measure up for either of her parents, and will have some definite feeling of inadequacy. I will do my best to keep her spirits up, and try to re-assure her that her parents love unconditionally. She won't believe me, but I will try.
Wish me luck.
Deej
BH (Better Half) has some serious self esteem issues. I am not saying this to be flip. I say it because it is true. She never feels that she measures up to her parents expectations. It mostly stems from when her parents got divorced. She was 14, and going many issues that every teenage girl goes through. Her dad ended up having an affair with the woman he is now married to. Her mother moved her back to Ohio, and then married a professor in Holland and moved her there. Of course being from another country, she never really fit in in Holland.
****
I really need to step back a moment and talk just about BH a little bit. It is hard to describe my feelings for her. After all how do you describe someone who means more to you than the world itself. Someone you would gladly die for. Someone who you want to be with forever. She is so much more than I ever thought I would have.
Don't get me wrong, I know she has faults. Her need to be accepted by her parents, and feeling of inadequacy are among her worst. For this I blame her Mother, and will explain it farther down.
****
BH's dad and stepmom will be here Wednesday. This is there annual trip out to visit us. To be honest, I find them to be genuine and fun to be around. They are good conversationalists, and don't mind pitching in around the house while they are here. They actually got mad at me on one visit because I kept asking if there was anything they needed. "You don't have to wait on us, we know where it is if we want it." They normally pay when we go out to eat, because, in their words, they can. While they are not rich, they are very comfortable and can spend somewhat freely.
The drawback to them coming is that BH never is at ease around them. She still has the feeling that no matter what she does, it won't be good enough for them. She is constantly comparing herself to her stepmom's kids. One married a doctor, and is working on a masters in teaching, one is bio-chemist who got a grand to study bats in Colorado, and is also going for a doctorate in biology. My wife doesn't think she measures up.
I know most of the feeling come from the divorce. She feels that her dad chose them over her. I don't really think it was that way though, and I know for sure that it is not that way now. I have bean able to piece together the events surrounding the divorce, and have pretty good idea that that was not the case. I really think BH's mom kind of drove him to the affair, and then moved out of state to keep BH away from her dad. Knowing enough about her little power plays makes it seem very likely.
Of course, living in Europe, she did not get a chance to see her dad that much, so all she got was her mom's side of the story. Her dad had an affair, that was it...Period...End of story!!! She never told BH that she, from the time they got married, constantly accused him of having an affair until, after 18 years of it, he decided to have one. She never mentioned that she tried to keep him from having any friends so that his entire life revolved around her.
Now to be fair, he did have an affair, and that was wrong. It is something would never do. If wanted someone else he should have ended it, then started dating.
But to spite all of that, I know he loves BH very much. He just doesn't always know how to show it. This last winter he came out to visit us for he 65th birthday. When we took him to the airport, had started crying as he left to get on the plane. BH didn't see it, but it he was.
****
BH's mom is a different story. I will preface this with the fact that I like her. In many ways she is a good person. She will take in any sick or wound cat or dog she sees, and make sure it has a good home. She treats La Nina like a grandma should, constantly spoiling her. She has helped us out in a lot of ways.
There are many things I don't like about her, though.
1) She makes BH feel guilty about having any contact with her dad.
2) She expects to be waited on when she visits.
3) According to her, she taught La Nina everything she knows.
4) If you don't agree with her on a topic, you are just being rude.
5) She knows how everything better than everyone else. Just ask her.
Now, that being said, I know that a lot of this stems from a low self esteem just like BH. She had a very hard childhood, growing up in abject poverty. And for the most part she has done well for herself.
She is a very talented artist, but has to ride everyone else art down. To give an illustration of this, a good friend of mine once gave me a painting for Christmas that he had painted himself. It was a scene of a cowboy riding through the desert. While it may not have been worthy of and art gallery, I liked it. I had it hanging over my couch before BH and I got married. BH's mom saw it and could say nothing good about it. She couldn't believe that someone would give someone a painting that bad, and proceeded to tell him what he had done wrong.
She just has never learned that not everyone wants her opinion.
I do almost all of the cooking in my house. I'm just better at it than BH. She doesn't like doing it, and has no patience for it. I grew up with the attitude that if someone else cooks for you, you smile say thank you, and appreciate the fact that someone else went to the effort. BH's mom is constantly telling me what to do to make my cooking more like hers. I guess my five years as a cook in restaurants meant nothing.
I know it probably sounds like I don't like her, but I do. For all of her faults, she is still, for the most part, good to BH and myself. She has done a lot for us, and asked for little in return.
****
So I know the next few weeks will be frustrating. BH will feel like she doesn't measure up for either of her parents, and will have some definite feeling of inadequacy. I will do my best to keep her spirits up, and try to re-assure her that her parents love unconditionally. She won't believe me, but I will try.
Wish me luck.
Deej
posted by deejinator at 4:13 PM
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